In a word? FEAR.
I am afraid of everything. Putting myself out there. Rejection. Failure. Success. Embarrassment. Standing out. Standing up. Taking a stance.
Somewhere in my life I have learned that avoiding would protect me. HOWEVER, my experiences have made it clear that this brings me much more heartache, disappointment and drama than protection.
A few months ago, I felt a strong urge to start writing. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t write. I have always said, “I would pay people to do that for me.” But the urge kept growing. I could feel it in my body. I wanted to start a blog or write a memoir that would allow me to fully express myself… the good. the bad. and the ugly. 🙈🙉🙊And that is a scary thing. Putting myself out there. Being as open and transparent as I can be.
NOT so easy for the internalizing people pleaser that I have been. And, as this fire burns greater within me, the fear grows faster and stronger.
So, I have been stalling.
a little bit of backstory…
The last seven years of my life has opened my eyes to so much. So much about me. So much about others. So much about my relationship with others. Past. Present. Future.
I have had some of my greatest moments and some of my worst.
I lost a little weight. I gained a lot.
I met my handsome intelligent nephew/godson. I felt alone.
I changed my eating and started exercising. I went to see a doctor about weight loss surgery.
I watched my oldest kiddo perform in community theater. I watched my youngest come into my own. My parenting ability was questioned.
I went to therapy. I went to therapy. I go to therapy.
I got separated. I met my boyfriend. I fell in love with daughter. Ups and downs.
I met two soul-mate friends. I lost touch with many friends.
I got diagnosed with sleep apnea. I held my dear friends beautiful sleeping baby in my arms.
I made money. I owed money.
I read a lot. I went to school.
I felt: growth. shrinkage. expansion.
I had: judgement. empathy. great sorrow. love.
I boldly stepped out of my comfort zone. I quickly jumped back in, put on a scarf and pulled my favorite blanket over my head for extra comfort.
The whole time I have tried to remain open to my experiences. Soaking everything in so that I could learn and grow.
what i learned…
yes! quite a lot.
I learned that… I am not my old story and my old story is not me. my past does not define me.
I learned that… surrounding ourselves with people who support, get and love us is essential in our journey.
I learned that… no matter where we are in life, what our old thoughts and beliefs tell us, what patterns keep playing out in our lives… it is NEVER too late to reinvent yourself.
Now that I have thought about, analyzed and picked apart my past experiences, stories and beliefs, it is time for me begin rewriting my story. I want to share the process. I want to connect with other empowerful women who are in the process of rewriting their own stories or who have already successfully rewritten.
I look forward to living, loving and learning with you… and as I said before…
it is never too late to reinvent yourself!